Happy New Year!  This is a great time of the year to take a bit of time and reflect on what has happened over the last 12 months.  Now that the hectic festive season is (hopefully!) calming down, I invite you to look back and congratulate yourself on ALL the wonderful things you’ve done to make your family a cohesive, happy and relaxed unit.  Equally, be curious about things that are not quite working yet, it is the nature of living within a family that you are bound to have some issues which are still a ‘work in progress’.

Let’s do some reflections on 2018 and analyse what worked for your family.

Tips before you start:

• The paper and pens you use do not have to be lined
• If it works for you, you could use different colours and potentially use blank paper
• Sometimes the freedom of blank paper will allow you to express yourself how you want to, without any constraints
• If you prefer to use a tablet or a computer, feel free to do so – if you choose this though, make sure you print it – so that you can see what you have written
• If you can, find yourself a quiet space, where you know that you will not be disturbed and if you need to, you can always set a certain amount of time to give you parameters to work within.  (All humans like to have boundaries, it helps us feel safe!)

So, take a bit of time out of your busy day, make yourself a cuppa, find yourself a pen and paper and answer the following questions:

What were the wins for your child/ family?

• Be kind to yourself, sometimes it can seem like you have no wins to celebrate
• BUT take a step back, look at the big picture and write down some of those WOW moments that you’ve experienced over the last 12 months (and even further back than that if you want to – you could look back at 1 year ago, 3 years ago and then 5 years ago)
• Remember, it doesn’t matter how small these wins are – little steps are just as valuable as big steps
• What matters is the continuity of you not giving up, and when you have needed to, being willing to break everything down into small enough chunks so that your family CAN cope with it
• Remember also, all of those times when you have wanted to give up, but you haven’t!  You have been willing to persevere, to keep taking a deep breath and to keep following the routine that you have decided on
• This reflective process isn’t just about the young person in your family that may have SPD or have autistic tendencies, anxiety or any other challenges; it is all about how you and your significant family who have had minor or major wins throughout the time span that you are looking at
• Be generous and compassionate with yourself and your family, be willing to write down what seems insignificant things – which actually are wins!

What areas are still hard and you want to make easier at home?

• Ok, here’s your chance to write down all the areas that are still hard, the things that continue to frustrate you and all of the members of your family
• Give yourself permission to just write – leave the analysis and thinking for later, this is your moment to be able to scribble down things for as long as you want to, until your pen stops!
• I’d encourage you to do this in a totally non-judgemental way – leave out the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘can’ts’ – when you notice yourself about to write those sort of words with a potentially negative connotation …. take a deep breath and make what you write more neutral and less personal

What are your ways forwards as you welcome in the 2019?

• It is totally up to you, you may want to continue and answer this question straight away OR you may want to walk away and leave what you have done
• Your mind is a very powerful machine and you will find that once you have committed something to paper, it will often help to allow for some time for your brain to collate, order and think about what you have written.  It is often in moments when you are not specifically working on these questions that you will find clarity and ideas for how to move forwards
• If your child is able to, it is also a great idea at this point to invite them to work through ways that you can all move forwards together.  If you get agreement with your kids for future plans, they can be much easier to implement successfully
• Take some time to look through relevant articles on LifeSkills4Kids – this will provide you with countless ideas of how to tackle areas that you are still finding hard.  On our site you can find articles, podcasts, webinars and practical tips and suggestions to help you
• If you are a regular visitor to our site, you will know that I am an Occupational Therapist with 20 years experience of helping and empowering parents

Remember that 2019 is a new year for you to experiment with and explore different strategies to help yourself, your kids and your family.  Remember also, that you are not alone – we are here to help you and help your kids to find ways to deal with their anxiety, sensory issues and to provide as many skills for all of you as possible.
You might find the following links in our website useful:

• Online Workshops
• Resources for Parents
• Free Newsletter & eBook
• Sensory Processing Tip Sheets
• Our Products

Written by Deb Hopper, Occupational Therapist

When Kids Dont Listen

Written by Deb Hopper

Published in

Great Health Guide articles available in Audio:

How many parents complain that their kids don’t listen to what they are saying?
Kids not listening can be very frustrating for parents from day to day. There are many reasons why kids struggle to listen or pretend not to listen and many ways to reduce this frustration between parents and children.
Children might not respond in conversation for three main reasons:
1. They could be distracted especially by screens, TV, iPad, video game etc;
2. They have hearing or auditory processing difficulties; and
3. They are exhibiting a passive aggressive reaction or hidden anger towards the speaker, or anxiety about something happening.

Here are five tips for understanding and working with children when they are not listening or who pretend not to hear when you talk to them:

1. Decode the behaviour – distraction?
One of the first steps in understanding why a child may be pretending not to hear is to understand WHY they appear not to be listening. Are they simply distracted by watching TV, playing a game on the iPad, or reading a book? Is their attention elsewhere? Often, distraction is the reason why children appear not to respond to questions or instructions.
Tip: Before speaking, make sure you have a child’s active attention. Ask them to look at you, turn off the distraction if needed and ask them to repeat your question back to you, or at least say ‘OK Mum/Dad’.
2. Decode the behaviour – passive aggressive reaction?
Many children develop passive aggressive behaviours, which are one way for them to exert control over their environment (including people) when they may be feeling angry or anxious. This might look like when you call to him, he ignores you and makes you come upstairs to talk to him. It’s a way for children to have control over others, perhaps when they are feeling out of control or anxious. Kids not listening may be a sign that they aren’t coping and they are asking for help.
Tip: Sit and have a chat about what’s happening for them. Is there an assignment he is worried about or is she having difficulties with friends at school?
3. Make sure children have good boundaries.
Children feel safer when they have clear boundaries and expectations for behaviour at home and school. Have clear expectations for jobs around the house (even for toddlers). Ensure they understand the expectations for homework and even the tone of voice they use to speak to you. Children need to understand the rules of what is expected and the consequences of what will happen if these goals are not met. Children not listening may not have a good sense of boundaries (and therefore not feel safe) within themselves and their roles at home and/or school. Be gentle and loving, yet firm. If you talk about consequences stay firm in following through.
4. Keep instructions simple.
Many children, especially if they are young or have underlying learning difficulties, have trouble following too many directions at once. Break down your instructions or requests into smaller steps. Rather than asking them to put their clothes in their room, brush their teeth and put their lunch in their bag, ask them to do one activity at a time. If they understand and remember what to do, they won’t be overwhelmed by the request (sometimes resulting in feeling overwhelmed or anxious) and are more likely to respond verbally to your request. Kids not listening can sometimes be the brain being overwhelmed by instructions and shutting down, making it look like they are not listening.
Open-ended questions are invitations to say more and allow invitations for back and forth communication.
5. Monitor your tone of voice and ask open ended questions.
If your child is not listening, reduce distractions and communicate again with them being mindful that your voice is not raising in frustration or increasing in volume. Keep a calm and gentle voice. Once you have their attention ask open-ended questions rather than yes or no answer questions. Open-ended questions are invitations to say more and allows children to share their ideas and feelings while providing the opportunity for back and forth communication.
Children who are not listening or who appear to pretend not to hear can be very frustrating for both the adult and the child involved. The adult wants to communicate and must both understand where the child is at while keeping the routine moving. The child may be bothered by being interrupted from their favourite TV show or being interrupted in the middle of a game. This is very understandable.
The above five tips can help to increase understanding for adults about dynamics and reasons why kids may struggle to listen but also provides some easy to implement strategies for making life easier.